(The last post- Darkness is important to this one.)
As most of my childhood life I was very shy, I became an observer of people and life. None of that changed when I became a Christian, only now I had another group of people to observe and that was ‘professed’ believers in Jesus Christ, because anyone can say it, but do they live it. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that, as a believer, you should never stop going to church, never, for any reason. All those who did, even for reasons that seemed logical or right, seemed to quickly get attacked by the enemy, slowly drift away- many never did return to church, and their faith in God vanished. So it was when I was going through the darkest time of my life that I continued to go to church. It was my only link left to God.
Though I didn’t feel Him, He remained with me. Though I built walls up between us, He never forsook me; instead, the Lord brought people, situations, writings, t.v. programs, a wonderful internet help group, and anything else He thought would help into my life. Little by little my cold, stony heart toward Him changed, and I began- well honestly, screaming at Him again. “Why?” “You lied, You said You’d never give more than we could handle, and this is more than I can!” “Why me again? What did I do?” …
Eventually the screaming turned to crying, and the crying turned to understanding a few important things in life. Troubles are a part of life and ‘bad’ and ‘good’ people all go through them (Mt. 5:45; Jh. 16:33^). Some people will always have more struggles, while others will never seem to have many. God is sovereign. That means He is supreme ruler and His will will be accomplished on this earth*. If He wants to allow me to go through something- even if it is horrible- then I will go through it. It is my response to the situation- and Him in the midst of it- that reflects on my true nature and heart towards Him. Obviously I’d proven once again that my heart was not all in and I lacked trust in the Lord BIGtime.
The biggest thing was that I started talking to the Lord again and not refraining from hard feelings by being utterly honest (even if He already knows!). The next thing (and most difficult) was accepting that God would allow what He wanted to allow in my life, and though I didn’t have to like it, I had to trust that He knew what was best for me, and if it was best for me to go through trials with Him instead of Him providing a miracle, than so be it. I also had to trust that He would work everything out for good. (Rom. 8:28 ) This freed me of a LOT of anxiety and stress. Finally I realized that I (honest for once) was not fully surrendered to the Lord, and that was my most prevalent problem. After all my years with Him, I was still trying to control my own future.
Accepting He knows best, that trial build character (Rom. 5:3-5) finally believing He loves me dearly and never left me, and knowing that He will walk with me through everything I ultimately surrendered all of me (said with trepidation hoping it is finally true!) Suddenly, I found the smaller things bouncing off of me instead of bringing me down. I began to see a small ray of hope for the future and grabbed hold of Jesus more tightly. I gave all of our physical lives to the Lord accepting that He was in charge of if we live or die. Freedom in my spirit returned one tiny bit at a time. I began to thank God in (not for) everything, even in the miserable trial- that He never left me, that He loved me, that I knew He would get me through. Trust began again- this time real trust.
A few months later the Lord did provide a miracle in the way of science, and my life changed forever. Were all my trials over? Nope. Three months later I was diagnosed with cancer- and you know what happens after that! This time though, I knew the Lord was with me for strength (Php. 4:13 ) and comfort (2Cor. 1:3,4), loved me, would help me, gave me great hope for my future, and the peace through it was indescribable. It took a few years to get over the PTSD and one of the hardest things to ‘deep down heart believe’ again was that God would do good things for me, but eventually it all worked out. I’m not perfect, but I never want to go back to being that person I was- especially concerning surrender and trust.
Maybe you’ve never been through something so tough. Maybe you are in the middle of it right now. Just know that the Lord is with you no matter how it looks or feels. He will never leave you (Heb. 13:5) and what He did for me, He will do for you. Consider surrendering completely, for He will take you through each step of the way (Jos. 1:9) if you will let Him. Really, I’m living proof of this.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy paths.
Pr. 3:5,6
^1Pt. 4:12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange
thing happened unto you:
*Ps. 135:6 Whatsoever the LORD pleased, that did he…
Eph. 1:11 …who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will:
Is. 46:10 Declaring the end from the beginning, …My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure: