It was a scary place; the darkness enveloped me until it felt tangible, like it moved with me whenever I moved. I didn’t know how I got in that place, but something ominous was hanging in the barely breathable air. Someone was out there; someone who didn’t like me. I could feel their eyes boring into my back like they thought I was a disease. Trying to find my way in the darkness was the toughest thing I’d have to do, and I was all alone to do it.
All alone in a dark place- a dark, forbidding place. Terrified to move, but terrified to stay. Wondering if I was going to make it out alive. Fear. Struggling to breathe. Lord, where are You? I can’t breathe. I can’t feel you here. Why have you abandoned me? Alone. I am so alone- and terrified of staying in this horrible place, of never getting out. Lord, why don’t You help me?
Not a dream. Wish it was a dream, but it’s actually my waking life, the life I wake up to every day, never knowing if I will survive, if my loved ones will survive. Day after day, year after year, seemingly unending. Will this anguish never end? Misery.
There was a time in my past where this was the way I saw my life and felt things were. Do you wonder if it was really that bad? In all seriousness, I didn’t know if we would literally survive (and for years after the trauma, I suffered from PTSD). What do you do when the struggles and sorrows of life envelope you, bringing you down into darkness and despair? Can Christians get that low? I’ve seen first hand just how low a Christian can go. Though I can’t answer why God allows certain things in our lives, I can answer why I sunk so deep in misery.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. Ps. 23 NKJV
In hindsight, there are a few important things that I forgot. The wear and tear on my life was so constant, that I didn’t remember all the good things God did for me in the past (v.1-3). At some point I stopped trusting that He would get me (lead me v.3) through the ‘valley of the shadow of death. I also lived believing my feelings as if they were true- if I couldn’t feel God, then He wasn’t there, right? Though I wasn’t walking alone, it sure felt like it. That caused me to resent Him, get angry and eventually pull myself away from Him. The Lord remained with me, but the wall I built between us kept me from finding comfort in His arms.
Without relying on God, I lost hope that victory would come, that His presence (anointing) could still be with or overflow me (v.5) and because I had listened to lies already, ultimately believed God’s mercy and goodness were never to be mine again. I felt lost to God forever. Life was miserable, and I thought it would never improve. Each day was a struggle to wake up and breathe. Each day was a fight just to get out of bed and face the day- anticipating new misery on the way.
Yet, God was there (and still working)… I just didn’t know it!
(Tomorrow's post will be lessons learned from this darkness.)