This will not
be one of my better posts Scripture wise, and I’m not even sure where it’s
going, but it will be honest…
As a teen I
had one very best girlfriend. Don’t know
why we loved each other so much because in a lot of ways, we were so different,
but my feelings are deep for her and most of her family that became mine. For many years after marriage my BFF and I
were separated for various reasons, but we now have the opportunity to hang out
again. Tonight I spent some great hours
with her only to also be thrown into a lot of emotional, painful history,
regrets and distress. Then she hit me
with a bombshell- well actually, she started to say something and knowing what
she was about to say, I stopped her and had to walk away.
My eyes were
so blurred with tears I could barely see, my head was aching, my heart pounding,
and anger flowed back and forth in my soul.
Struggling to breathe, I got as far as I could from her hearing and fell
apart; shoulders shaking, tears flowing, choked sobs and finally the anger
released in deep growls. I wanted to
stab something, maybe even someone. Eventually
I returned in more control but my emotions have been on edge ever since.
Since being
home for a couple hours, I have consumed one bowl of mint chocolate chip ice
cream, one mars bar, one chocolate pudding, many chocolate chips, some black
licorice, three caramel rice cakes, a few spoonfuls of chocolate icing and one
ibuprofen. Though calmer right now
(chocolate does that for me) I feel emotionally worn out, tired, sad, and still
experience small bits of anger. I wish the
anger could be aimed at the responsible person, but it is also aimed at me for
not seeing the things I should have seen or known.
So, where do
I go from here? I need to forgive
again. That will be difficult but I am
reminding myself of the Amish at Nickel Mines and how they forgave because God
forgave them (Ep. 4:32). God forgave (and forgives) me for all MY
wickedness, so what right do I have to hold on to unforgiveness? My mind and emotions continue to whirl and
churn through it all, but the thing I want to do most of all is curl up in bed
under my fuzzy blanket in my PJs with some soft music playing, my fav. Bible
close, and my very BFF of all, my Lord right there beside me.
Why?
He is despised
and rejected of men; a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief…
Is. 53:3
The Lord knows and understands what I am going through
right now. He won’t abandon or berate me
for any of it, but will comfort me with His love. This is not my hope; this is my assurance! Now I go to be with Him…
Lord, help me to forgive. Help me find peace. Hear my cry and know my heart for all those
involved, and move in every life. Thank
You for being with me in this difficult time. I love You more than life!