What can
I say about trust? For whatever reason,
I grew up not trusting people. Maybe
it’s because I have always been a close observer of people and I could see they
were not always trustworthy. As I grew
up, I had circles (walls) of trust around me.
I would let you in so far to see if you were trustworthy, and if not,
you would never get closer. If you were,
then I would let you into the next closest circle, and start the integrity check
again. In case you wonder, the few
friends I had would say I was as trustworthy as a human could get.
Fast
forward 6ish years, I was married, in
Bible College,
loved the Lord with all my heart (so I thought) and leaned on Him completely
(so I thought). Of course I was
extremely disappointed to find out we couldn’t have kids- in fact, devastated
would be a better word. But all was okay
because the God who loved me would provide the healing that would allow us to
bear children… right? Hey, I trusted Him for an entire year, through
disappointment every month, but He let me down.
Years of bitterness and a closed heart followed.
The Lord was merciful and brought me back by His
grace.
Now I
trusted the Lord more than ever- right up until we were told we couldn’t adopt
for a variety of reasons. Broken
trust. Distance from God. The Lord drew me back again. Next trial- same response, and the next, and
the next. You would think I would learn,
but I can be a little thick headed! How
could I trust a God who never answered my prayers? Looking back, I couldn’t have been more
wrong!
We had a
few decent years (with only a few smaller trials) from late ’95 to 2000 and
then the biggest, fiercest trial slammed us down hard. Again, my faith was strong- for the first
little bit, but God did not answer my prayers again. How could He allow me to go through such
tribulation if He loved me? Abandoned by
almost all family, friends, and the medical community, we felt alone and in an
impossible situation that we’d never get out of. I didn’t even know if we would physically
survive. It felt like God abandoned us.
It was
during those difficult six years that the Father taught me unconditional love,
real faith, and what genuine trust is. Webster’s
puts trust this way: confidence; a
reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity, justice, friendship
or other sound principle of another person.
I had failed to completely trust the Lord with everything, instead
counting Him as untrustworthy for not answering my prayers in my timing, the
way I wanted them answered. And every
time He ‘let me down’ I shoved Him outside my circles of trust.
But the Lord never gave up on me! He kept working in my life.
Now I
see where I used to be: I was never
confident He knew what was best for me.
I never relied or rested upon Him to get me through life’s trials or
accepted what He wanted me to go through.
As a result, I stopped feeling He was reliable to answer my prayers, doubted
His love for me, His justice, friendship and who He was (because He wasn’t the
Father I wanted Him to be). Finally I
understood so much more and I threw myself on the mercy of my loving God. I have never again been the same. (Though years of recovery still followed)
Just a few months later I was faced with
another trial- breast cancer. My
reaction? Completely different. I trusted that He knew best for me and He’d
work good out of it, that He’d never leave me alone in it, that He’d help me
through each step, and that His love, peace and joy would remain with me. Basically, I finally realized He is the only
truly trustworthy being there is, and I let Him into my innermost circle of
trust. Since then, no matter what
happens, by His grace & with Him I stand; and I have never been so full of
life. Reading this Scripture brought these
memories up today:
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be
on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the
flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will
rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord,
is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high
places... Hab. 3:17-19
Now I
understand this Scripture: Though things don’t happen as expected, though
devastation may occur, though failure, hunger, insecurity, and deficiency arise,
(in bad times of calamity, distress and loss) yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
for He is my salvation, my strength, lightens my steps and lifts me up. Though I would not dare say I completely
trust the Lord now, I would say that I hope to ever throw myself on His mercy
and grace and I count on Him to help me on this journey.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for
us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the
things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are
seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2Cor. 4:17,18 ESV