At fifteen years of age I thought it was the perfect Christmas gift for my whole family. A great peace enveloped my being unlike anything I had ever felt. Mom and Dad were off somewhere, my sisters had their boyfriends, and I had no one. It was the perfect gift that would relieve the whole family of a big problem.
Solemnly I walked into the vacant living room to the place where the crèche (manger) was displayed and I quietly knelt down in front of it. Bowing my head, I prayed that God would forgive me as deep down I knew my decision was sinful; yet I was still peaceful as I got up, went into my bedroom and downed a variety of prescription pills I found around the house. My Christmas present to my family would be my death. Warped? Yes. But when you are feeling so unloved and unimportant, there are a lot of bizarre thoughts that go through your head, and at that moment- that night- I truly believed my family would be glad.
After a couple hours I realized something was wrong: I felt very sick but my suicide attempt had failed. “Perhaps if I waited some more…” Another half an hour went by and I decided nothing mortal was going to happen but I felt so sick I went and told my sister who wisely brought me to the hospital. From then on, I don’t remember much except being made to vomit my stomach empty and doctors asking me a whole lot of questions. There is only one picture in my head after that: of all my family sitting in the living room not understanding.
As usual at home, we didn’t talk about the attempt afterwards. Everything seemed to go on as (dysfunctional-ly) normal, but I would never be the same again. You see, sitting on the hospital bed early Christmas morning I had determined that I would find love- somewhere- somehow. There had to be a reason I was alive, and I resolved to find it. Not long after I found a group of godly women who met to worship God, pray, and who were passionate about the Word. None of that mattered because it was what I saw in their eyes that simultaneously ‘blew me away’ and drew me in.
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| Art by- Lorenzo Lotto (portion of) |
Their eyes were filled with such love as I had never seen. The power of the Holy Spirit filled their lives and healings were taking place. They loved and accepted me with open arms and it was there, in the basement of my Catholic church, that I learned the truth of God’s love. That summer I heard about needing to be born again, and I gave my life to the Lord. The most incredible journey began at that point, certainly not ever easy, but always a fascinating learning experience.
There was still a LOT of work the Lord needed to do in me, my feelings of worth/ value, and what real love was, that it took a LOT of years. Looking back I know He was there with me that Christmas Eve. He made sure I didn’t take the right amount of the right pills, and He protected my life from the enemy’s wiles. You see, God had His own plans for me- and here I am: loving God and loving life. Knowing deep down that I am truly loved by a God who loves me more than His own life. Finally living the abundant life He always wanted for me while looking forward to being with Him face to face for eternity.
And ever so grateful for every breath that He has given me for the past thirty years.
What a Great and Awesome God we have.
Jesus You are truly the best Christmas present ever!!!
For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be on His shoulder;
and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father,
The Prince of Peace. There is no end of the increase of His government and peace
on the throne of David, and on His kingdom, to order it and to establish it
with judgment and with justice from now on, even forever…
Is. 9:6,7 MKJV