I’ll try and simplify my thoughts this third attempt at writing this post. I’ve lived a life without God* and it was unsatisfying in more ways than I can state. One of the major problems was that no matter how many relatives or friends I had, I always felt alone and unloved. That was not a life worth living.
After I found the Lord, I no longer felt alone or unloved and I began to enjoy life. Though I loved Him, eventually I realized I was still trying to control my own life, living it my way with Him allowed in where and when I wanted. It was basically a selfish relationship on my part, on my terms. It was no wonder that life remained a struggle in every trial as I would run from Him instead of to Him, never giving my life fully to Him. Life was a variety of highs and lows, peace and troubles.
It has only been in this decade that I surrendered my life to God the way I needed to, though I dare not say fully because (by past experience) I realize there is always more of me to yield. In this place of surrender to God I have found true peace and true joy which no trial, trouble, suffering or arrow of the enemy can take away. Many problems still occur, but my view of them is obscured in my precious Love and only in Him is life abundant (John ) as it should be. In other words, with and in Him I ‘feel’ more alive and new and exciting things happen in unexpected and wonderful ways.
Neither way of living- without God or only partially with/ in Him- are acceptable to me anymore. It’s all or nothing for me. Though I am fully satisfied with God, I am never satisfied to remain stagnant in our relationship. I always want it to be improved: a consumed life. I have never felt so alive, so aware of the amazing creation around me and the incredible variety of human life flowing by me daily, and knowing so much love.
It isn’t really a one sided relationship anymore, though you’d have to ask the Lord what He gets out of it from me- so frail a human. He has more of my time now, not because I should as a Christian, nor because I have to in order to survive, but because I want to and I miss Him when I don’t spend enough time with Him. He is my everything and my all. So, why God? In my opinion it is because life is not abundant life without (fully being in) Him.
* (God the Father, God the Son or Jesus Christ, and God the Holy Spirit)