Once again I’ve
been unwell. On June 20th I knew a tooth problem was about to happen
due to the light throb. Midday on the 21st, the prescribed
pain medication no longer helped relieve the intense pain. I lived with that
pain until the 23rd when I had the left back molar removed along
with the bright red abscess at its base. Soon after that, drainage began from
the left nasal cavity.
The 24th
I was exhausted and started with a low grade fever. By the 26th I
knew there was infection and visited the dentist for antibiotics followed by
another 2 days of exhaustion with low fever. The 27th brought
coughing up of gunk (from the sinuses). On the 30th the dentist
removed the stitches and told me the sinus infection I’d acquired was not
because of the tooth and to get meds from my doctor: antibiotics round 2. Still
tired a lot, napping often, and getting a bit of work done when possible. I’d
love to say I am completely better, but I’m not. So, am I just posting a complaint?
No.
I did something bad.
More importantly, I neglected to do something good which is why I did something bad.
During all that
time I was “too tired” to read and study the Word- but I wasn’t “too tired” to
watch movies and tv shows. I talked to God, listened a bit, and worshipped some,
but I didn’t read much of the Word. I watched a specific tv show that I said I
wouldn’t watch again due to content that could revive thoughts that kept me in
bondage for years and from which the
Lord delivered me. Sure enough after watching, my flesh was weak, I could not
fight the sinful thoughts in my head and I sinned- a sin I thought would not
catch up with me again.
(Sin usually starts in our minds first)
You have heard that it was said to the ancients, "You
shall not commit adultery." But I say to you that whoever looks on a woman
to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Mt.
5:27,28
I hated every
minute that my mind was in that darkness but my flesh enjoyed it. I tried in my
own strength to fight the thoughts, and even asked the Lord to help, but I knew
this mess was one I created by my own decision to watch what I shouldn’t watch.
Afterwards, I was disgusted with myself. On July 5th I went to
church still feeling shame and filthy even though I’d asked for forgiveness. I
knew I was forgiven but I could not forgive myself for purposely doing what I
knew would harm me and betray my Love.
How stupid. How weak. How unfaithful of me.
And you shall know the truth, and the
truth shall make you free*. Jh. 8:32
Therefore if the Son shall make you
free, you shall be free indeed. Jh. 8:36
*make free; set at liberty from the
dominion of sin
Jesus makes us
free- indeed. The Word says so. I didn’t give up on Jesus or His truth, so I
should have remained free, right? “…Whoever practices sin is the slave of sin.”
(Jh. 8:34) What I neglected to do is read the whole passage and put it in
context of all the Word.
Then Jesus said to the Jews who believed
on Him, If you continue* in My Word, you are My disciples
indeed. And you shall know the
truth, and the truth shall make you free. Jh. 8:31 ,32
*remain, abide, continue, tarry in, do
not depart, kept continually
Because I
neglected to continue/ remain in the Word, my mind became weak and my flesh
gave in to my weakened mind. Our minds need to be continually renewed:
I beseech you therefore, brothers, by
the mercies of God to present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, pleasing to
God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of
your mind, in order to prove by you what is that good and pleasing and
perfect will of God. Rm. 12:1,2
For this cause we do not faint; but
though our outward man perishes, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 2Cr. 4:16
For you ought to put off the old man
(according to your way of living before) who is corrupt according to the
deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the
spirit of your mind. And you should put on the new man, who according to
God was created in righteousness and true holiness. Ep. 4:22-24
…having put off the old man with his
deeds and having put on the new, having been renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him,
Cl. 3:9,10
For God has not given us the spirit of
fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2Tm. 1:7
This renewal
doesn’t happen just by thinking of God, prayer, praise and such, but through
the revelation of God and Truth in the Word:
I have hidden Your Word in my heart, so
that I might not sin against You. Ps. 119:11
Sanctify them through Your truth. Your
Word is truth. Jh. 17:17
Casting down imaginations*, and every
high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to
the obedience of Christ; 2Cr. 10:5 KJV
*reasoning: such as is hostile to the Christian faith
I’d like to think
I finally learned my lesson. It is probable I will still fall again, but I
won’t go into it purposely believing I can handle it, I can control it, just
this once… Like an alcoholic who should never take another drink, I should
never watch certain things. We should not walk or live in the darkness. We are
children of the light therefore we should walk in the Light. (1Th. 5:5; Ep.
5:8; Jh. 8:12)
May we all CONTINUE
in His Word.