Another abscess in
a tooth, so painful, the regular meds I had left over from a root canal earlier
this year, barely helped. To be honest, the words in my head were foul and
pictures of knives swung in a psycho way… but they stayed only in my mind. Last
night (this morning) I had 4 ½ hours of broken sleep starting at 3:30am because the pain wouldn’t let me nod
off. No anger with God, not even wondering why me or other such nonsense. I put
on the music of Rick Goad and finally fell asleep.
In the middle of
the broken up sleep, the Lord blessed me with a dream from Him- one of only
four I can think of right now. Though I cannot give specifics, I can say that I
was doing in the dream what I have never done in life and what I have been a
little fearful of stepping out into. I was speaking to a group of Christians
which would normally be intimidating for me saying things they would not like
and uncertain about their reaction. In the dream I was not concerned about any
of that but was boldly speaking what God wanted me to say. I woke up with the
two words that most stick in my brain these days.
I will.
No more “but why
me?”, “I’m not good enough”, “what if I make a mistake?”, “what will they
think?”, “what if they don’t change?”, etc. All kinds of questions would come
up in my mind when it just all came back to fear, uncertainty in knowing God’s
voice, and not believing deep down that God wanted to use me. No more
questions: just a simple “I will”. A servant does not question their master,
but we like to question ours. I don’t think He minds if it is once in a while-
but most of the time shows a lack of trust in His judgement.
* * * *
Yes, I will.
I’m excited by
what God is doing in my life and deep in my being. In the midst of great pain,
God chose to give me a gift. Now I must choose to step forward into it. Since
my head is not fully functioning due to lack of sleep, this post will be
without pertinent Scriptures. Instead, I will go to sleep hoping for a better
day tomorrow, and more exciting times in the presence of my Savior.
Be blessed,
and may God shine His face upon you!