This is personal, and well, not anything I’m proud of- but let my type this out in hopes of understanding myself better. Since I was young, when things I didn’t like would happen, I would run away and hide from everyone. As an adult, I still did a lot of that, and yesterday I realized it is happening since September started.
Unlike when I was young and would physically hide where no one could find me, now I hide in plain site, but it is the emotional or mental part of me that hides in books (not the Bible of course), brain puzzles, tv, computers, eating junk and doing menial tasks. None of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they consume large quantities of time, that is avoidance of, well, I’m not sure what yet.
So here I am to force myself to think about what it is I am running from these days. I’m going to list my ideas of what it could be and then sort through them one at a time. Hopefully if I figure out why, I can figure out what to do about it. I might be hiding from:
-God’s future plan for me that seems bigger than I can handle.
No. Have accepted it now and know it will only be in His strength anyway.
-The struggles and stresses of home and raising older teens.
Maybe. This is pretty big right now.
-The pain I feel whenever I look at all the bad things happening around me.
Probably. Was crying again today about it as I drove home. Sorrow and anger.
-All the driving around- coming and going daily.
Doubtful as the driving is not quite so intensive.
-Seeing Christians in so much bondage, pain, sorrow, and continual difficulties.
Probably. More sorrow and anger. Grieving in my spirit.
-Dealing with unhealed physical pain.
Don’t think so. Used to it for the most part. God will get me through.
-God delaying His end time move.
Yep, a little. Disappointment. Wanna be home with Him. This is not our home!
Wanna see his power displayed in the earth again.
-Depression over one to all of the above.
Probably, somewhat.
No. Have accepted it now and know it will only be in His strength anyway.
-The struggles and stresses of home and raising older teens.
Maybe. This is pretty big right now.
-The pain I feel whenever I look at all the bad things happening around me.
Probably. Was crying again today about it as I drove home. Sorrow and anger.
-All the driving around- coming and going daily.
Doubtful as the driving is not quite so intensive.
-Seeing Christians in so much bondage, pain, sorrow, and continual difficulties.
Probably. More sorrow and anger. Grieving in my spirit.
-Dealing with unhealed physical pain.
Don’t think so. Used to it for the most part. God will get me through.
-God delaying His end time move.
Yep, a little. Disappointment. Wanna be home with Him. This is not our home!
Wanna see his power displayed in the earth again.
-Depression over one to all of the above.
Probably, somewhat.
(10 min later) Okay, well that was fun… NOT! Since you weren’t here I’ll let you know I was just attacked by the enemy. Sudden pain in my head so I had to stop and pray- gone now, thanks to You Lord! Guess when you are hiding and not in the Word very much, the enemy might find a way to attack.
(8 hours later...)
Okay, I realized what it was then fell apart a little and have been avoiding this post since then. Yep, pretty immature. I should be better at this after 30 years... Anyway, I know that the issue is an unwillingness to admit to mild anger at the Lord for not working on my preferred time table to move in His power (yes I do know that's arrogant thinking...) I thought my anger issue towards the Lord was resolved, but I guess not. I’m just so tired of seeing all the hurting people, Christians or not. So, where to go from here?
First off, go back to the foot of the cross and throw myself on His mercy (1) while acknowledging that He is good (2) and knows best (3). Get more fully into the Word again and find comfort there (4). Then I need to find a friend I can consistently speak to (5) because that hasn’t been happening lately.
1. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hb. 4:16
2. Oh give thanks to Jehovah; for He is good; for His mercy endures forever. Ps. 136:1
3. Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! Rm. 11:33 ESV
4. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Jh. 14:27
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction… 2Cr. 1:3,4
5. Bear one another's burdens (weight, load), and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gl. 6:2
2. Oh give thanks to Jehovah; for He is good; for His mercy endures forever. Ps. 136:1
3. Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! Rm. 11:33 ESV
4. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Jh. 14:27
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction… 2Cr. 1:3,4
5. Bear one another's burdens (weight, load), and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gl. 6:2
Lord Almighty, thank You for Your great patience with me. Forgive my anger toward You. It is my problem not Your fault. Help me trust more fully in You. Thank You for Your love… in all our lives!