and the One who walks with me on it.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Heartbroken

       It was a good day on Tuesday when I met my son after school to drive him to the mall to meet a friend at the theatre.  It was in the parking lot that I found the problem.  Well, I won’t get into specifics, but I caught my son with something that shouldn’t be- if you know what I mean.  This was an issue we discussed many times over the years and he knew my strong feelings towards it and that I considered it an ‘absolute no’, yet still he did it.  Anger hit first and a poor reaction on my part, but then I realized the issue hit deep inside me, in the core of my feelings.  I was heartbroken that he would do something that he knew I despised so strongly.

       It also broke the fragile trust I have in him in a particular area.  So, as I was driving home, all I could think about was my feelings, how painful it was, how much he hurt me, how could he do this if he loved me, didn’t he care?  Still dwelling on these thoughts about 15 min. later while driving home I heard my own inner voice that was like a sword in my gut, “Isn’t this how you’ve treated God so many times over the years?  You’ve probably broken His heart more than once doing things He despised.  You’ve hurt Him over choices to not obey or trust Him in your times of deepest need.”

       That remembrance caused the tears to flow as I thought of my own despicableness: all the times I never considered God’s feelings, or how much I was hurting Him by shoving Him out of my life when He didn’t do things the way I wanted.  Yet He never gave up on me.  He never shut me out; instead He patiently waited for me wooing my selfish heart back to Him.  Oh, why does He love me so much?

       First off, God is love (1Jh. 4:8).  The Father, Son and Spirit were together from the beginning (Gen. 1:1, Jh. 1:1) and complete within themselves- they didn’t need anything*.  But out of that perfect union came a desire to bring forth children to share their lives and love, just as we parents desire children here on earth.  Healthy moms and dads have babies with which to share their lives and love- not so their babies would love them, serve them, and praise them, yet many of us accuse God of creating us for these reasons.  He said, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love…” (Jer. 31:3)  Everlasting means always- so He has always loved us- even before we were conceived- and He will love us forever!


       As our Father, God will not stop loving us just because we do wrong things or stop spending time with Him, but this doesn’t mean He’s okay with our behaviour.  He made us with a full range of emotions, and we are made in His likeness (Gen. 1:26), therefore we know He has emotions, and He feels- over our attitudes and our actions just as our kid’s attitudes and actions affect us.  Though God, who is rich in mercy, has great love for us (Eph. 2:4) He is an active Father and as such can feel the pain of our actions.  

       So, while my son broke my heart, I guess it can’t compare to the amount of times I may have broken the Father’s heart.  Hopefully my son will learn from this experience and make some changes, just as I intend to change and be more concerned about my Father’s heart.  One day I will see Him face to face (Rev. 22:4) and I hope one of the things He says is, “Thank you Vicky for loving me so much.”




(Nothing)
shall be able to separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Rom. 8:39



*God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things;  Acts 17:24,25