Fear

       My face was pasty white as I sat in my seat on the airplane.  This was my very first flight and though my high school friends were well aware of my trepidation, their presence didn’t assuage my fear at all.  As the plane engine started and we began to taxi, I could only take shallow breaths and it didn’t matter how much I wanted to go on this trip, I was ready to bolt.  Unexpectedly, a hand reached over and pulled a bag out from the seat in front of me to place it in my hands.  I didn’t really understand right away, but then all my friends started handing me their barf bags too- in case I needed a back-up supply.  Apparently I looked pretty bad!



View from Toronto CN Tower



       You see, since I was young I have always had a fear of heights.  After finding that first flight so enjoyable, I realized that my fear was not heights at all, but was actually a fear of falling.  I discovered that as long as I feel safe and secure I love to observe the earth from great heights.  Since my early twenties I considered skydiving to try and face that fear, but for lack of money I have never had the chance.  I imagine myself screaming from the first step off the plane to my touchdown- that is, if I don’t pass out first (hopefully I faint AFTER I open the parachute  J ).

       The funny thing is my fear of falling isn’t only a physical one.  It also relates to the spiritual side of my life.  In the past, 'fear of falling’ back into sin kept me from getting closer to the Lord.  (Why would He want to be with me when I am so reprehensible…)  Sometimes, 'fear of falling' into error has kept me from moving in the Spirit.  (What if it wasn’t God’s voice I heard say “tell him that____”…)  And occasionally, 'fear of falling' on my face, especially in view of others, keeps me from doing work that the Lord wants me to do.  (What will people say, do, think…)



       Kind of like doing this blog.  What will people think if I lay it all out there and write what’s in my mind and my heart?  It was a difficult first step for me to take but I faced that fear.  I’d like to say I’m prepared for the next step He wants me to take but I’m not too sure yet.  My head knows I am safe and secure in Christ’s love, but obviously my heart isn’t perfectly there yet.  So I ask for help as I seek God’s will, I spend time in His presence, 

       and I pray He continues to change me.